About today

Today I won gold at my events. The feeling was great. Everyone In my group performed flawlessly. I am truly glad these awesome people allowed me to perform with them. She was part of one of my groups. She looked beautiful. The performances went by really fast and before I knew it, it was awards time. After the awards, she had to leave, so I walked with her to her car. I have to say, i always find myself happy around her. We hugged a few times enjoying each others company. When we had finished the moment, we glanced toward one another. She says "see you soon". I reply with "okay. Looking forward to it". Then we went our separate ways. As I was walking I had the urge to look back for no apparent reason. Maybe it was because I had wanted to see her one last time before I left. I can't say and I may never find out. As I was walking, a sudden sense of depression overwhelmed me and I found myself sadder then I have ever been in my life. For reasons unknown, the sense of emptiness consumed me. I felt like I wanted to breakdown and cry. It must be true what my mentor said about breakdancers. "breakdancers are like emo people. Theu abuse their bodies." I'm not suicidal in any way. I don't know what to feel right now. I have no emotional support anymore, anywhere. This ends my day in sadness. Life isn't being fair to me. It likes to throw nasty curves at me. But what can I do? Nothing right now. I really hate my life. it wants me to suffer. This is the third time I have bounced in between moods, and I want it to just stop. Writing this out is making me cry, because i know I shouldn't be depressed. It's so bad, my mind Is making me relate my life to apologize, and madworld. AlI I want to do right now, is to be with her and my friends. My life melts and I find myself better being around them. I hope to get such an opportunity soon

Marcus Perez

End of the Year

It’s heading towards the end of the year and I am excited and sad. Excited for the fact I don’t have to deal with certain admin rules anymore. Sad because the year went by so fast, there wasn’t enough time to hang out with friends like I had planned. Hopefully in due time I will be able to adjust and relax for the summer coming. Senior projects are coming up. I hope I am ready to commit to 15 minutes of talking and dancing, because it’s hard to accomplish both in a formal presentation.

In other news my Disneyland competition at the Disneyland hotel is this Sunday. It’s going to be great. I am a bit nervous, and yet, I am content with the routines. I hope all goes well.

In terms of her, things are better then I had expected. Much much better.

Prom Night

There is only one word to describe prom tonight. Beautiful. It was a night that will never forget. In this one night my life changed. I am short for words because this night literally took my breath away. It also marks the finals day of being a senior. I wish I could have done so many things differently. I wish I kissed the girl I love last night. What began at the Midway Ship and ended in a party bus to her house, the moments were unreal. She and I expressed deep personal close moments. The pure euphoria was unimaginable. There was a moment such as when she and I took a nice long walk on the beach. We embraced each other like lovers do, and casually strode toward the end of The La Jolla shore beach. She began to smile and would lean her head against mine. Later in the bus, we began to dance. When the right song came on, I would sing the song we were dancing to in her ear, waiting, looking for the smile and giggle as she turned to look at me. There was a moment when she looked into my eyes and I into her's. The moment was breath taking. I closed the distance between us. We both stood close, face to face. We looked at one another, and time begins to slow down. We exchanged glances, and began to whisper to one another. When the moment ended, I stood behind her and whispered the 3 words she was waiting for me to say for a very long time. “I Love You”. She turns to look at me, and we embraced once more. When the night had ended, and everyone was taking their leave, I stayed behind for a few moments to wish her good night. We shared one last deep long embrace. We looked into each others eyes. Time began to slow once more. I had the pure emotion to embrace her in a long kiss. She casually whispers, "yes?” with a slight innocent smile. It was now or never. I began to make my move, but then stopped. I slowly whispered, “nothing". We walked out together, where her dad was waiting. We gave each other our final good byes and I left, looking back to slowly watch her fade into the night. My mind began to wander and race....... I am very sad that things are coming to a close.

Prom

Prom

Prom is tomorrow. I have the excitement of a little child. However I Fucked up bad. The girl I love called me frantically trying To talk to me about an urgent matter. All calls were around the time I had not carried my phone with me. Around midnight She had a stressing tone when she finally left a message for me. The tone worries me. I tried to apologize to her on facebook, but to no avail. Right now she's nearby. I don't know what to say to her. I have only learned now that people have drop from our prom group, increasing the price per person for our party bus. Worse yet, our Buca Di Beppo reservation is looking to be canceled because no one wants to pay to much for the dinner. As of now, all of my devotion is to pleasing the girl I love and care about, and to making prom memorable

Intervention ~ New Beginning

Today I was approached by many that i did not know. they expressed concern for me . it turns out there are a lot of people who read my blog, and when they had read my latest blog, they had to talk to me about it. IN the End, these people along with certain personal people sat me down and made me express everything about me. it was a emotional moment and it cleared up a lot of things about me and my life. I'M in debt to all of you followers and readers for saving my life from something terrible. in the end end i am now a new person. changed by the powerful motivation i have received. Tomorrow begins a new chapter of my life, a rebirth so to speak.

Lately...

Suicidal thoughts have crossed my mind. How did my life come to think in such a way? Why does the mere thought of rejection or avoidance put me at such a low emotional level and send a powerful vivid image in my mind? It feels like a curse on my soul. It’s hard to think positively right now, and I want to think less of suicide and more of the good times coming my way. But why cant I? It’s a question I have been thinking about for a while. Maybe the thought of a good time coming isn’t enough and that I need to think of more of life’s fruits. I don’t even know how I want to feel anymore to be honest… I think I just need to talk to someone right now. Let loose all the pent up feelings I am having.

This may be the last blog post I will do for a long time. Hopefully I will come back to blogging soon.